JESTERS C.C.

FORMED 1961

VIX ABERRO TIBIA FRUCTUM

(JUST MISSING LEG FRUIT)

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Judging Chilli

Notes from an INEXPERIENCED chilli taster named Frank:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that
the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore know and
adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chilli #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The
barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so
irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started
to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill.
I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chilli #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a fucking
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back
they call her "Forklift."

Chilli #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste
it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to
dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and
uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

Chilli #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and
four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants
to go dancing later.

Chilli #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children
I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air
I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and
tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chilli #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Momma??!!

UNFORTUNATE ATHLETES:- BRONZE SILVER GOLD

Subject:

This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this bloke died, he'd have received a
Darwin Award without question...

Dear Sir

"I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning"
as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I
was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed
my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later
were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of
the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked
off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go
of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding
downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull,
minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the
accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of theweight of the bricks,
that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, Ibegan a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to
change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there
on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure
and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty
barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."