DYSON'S DIARY 2008/09       

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2009 Indoor Competition

Taurus CC 106-3

Rawdon CC 90-5 (Niall 35, Stew Smith 20, RL 15, James 7, Joel 4, Belly golden duck)

Rawdon CC 123-3 (Niall 30, RL 28, James 27, Stew Smith 15, Belly 8, Joel 2)

Triangle CC 124-5

Headingley Experience 158-2

Rawdon CC 80-6 (Niall 35, RL 15, Stew Smith 3, James 2, Joel 2, Belly golden duck)

In tradition with previous years RL entered Rawdon CC in the annual club indoor competition at the indoor cricket school at Headingley. Usually the side is made up with Rawdon players plus a couple of ringers. This year it had been increasingly hard to get both. RL, Stew Smith and Niall were first choice anyway and would have been accompanied by Macca and Matt McCallum but they were holidaying in Reighton Sands. Charlie Munday had also been invited to turn out but chose to have tea and biscuits with the in laws.

At 12.30pm Saturday, 30 minutes before the start we had six players consisting of RL, Stew Smith and Niall along with second team bowler Trev Penny and his mate James. Gaz Nuttall (Jester and Barnsley legend) had also secured the service of former Sri Lankan Captain Arjuna Ranatunga’s son who is studying at Leeds Met. However, at 12.31pm RL received the dreaded phone call from Gaz explaining a knee injury had curtailed Rehan’s chances of playing. Luckily former BT indoor player and multiple indoor cricket trophy winner Belly was on hand to help us out behind the stumps but not with the bat.  

Even though we lost every game (the last game was a game too far) it didn’t really matter, we all used the event as much needed practice. Lessons can be learnt on the number of extras we gave away and the wicket keeper can certainly improve. With RL making runs in every game there may also be the potential of a promotion up the order with recent developments at the club.

 RL acts as agent of the Jesters CC and contracts strictly without personal liability

Menorca tour report by the Rawdon Legend (“RL”)

Tuesday 14-16 October

It all started in the Town Hall Tavern (“the Tavern”) shortly after the 2007 Menorca tour. Menorca CC (“MCC”) took offence to certain comments made by some members of the Barnsley tour party of 2007. MCC then told Barnsley that the tour was over subscribed for 2008. At the same time RL received an email from the MCC fixture secretary asking if he could get a team together.  So over pie and peas with Dave Clayton in the Tavern, The Rawdon Gents CC was born, cunningly disguising Barnsley. (the trojan horse tour - ed)

The original concept was simple, to go to Menorca a couple of days before the rest of the tour party arrived on the island for a bit of R&R. RL, Belly and Mr and Mrs Bong Heed (Ben and Gill) flew over on Tuesday 14 October. The flight was only delayed an hour which at the time was annoying but as you will find out nothing compared to what happened on the way back.

We spent the first few days eating, drinking and sleeping. Fortunately John Morley had been in touch with RL to give us permission to use his Villa including his top swimming pool. One highlight was leaf racing which also proved that the pool was self cleaning, RL took the title.

At this stage we believed that MCC didn’t know it was really Barnsley that was coming to tour so we did our best to stay undercover, one incident included RL ducking down in the back seat while Belly drove past a bar containing members of the Menorca team. Unfortunately we got collared later that day by the entertaining duo of Jeff and Kenny, trying to find Dave Greener, but the Menorcans still believed nobody form Barnsley was involved as we managed to keep our plans a secret.

Friday soon came along; the fridge was full of lager and cider, so it was off to the airport to meet the rest of the lads.

Friday 17 October

The first person to appear through customs was of course Ives who informed us that three of the lads were hammered already. They didn’t seem too bad though and it was Albert Morley who made the first balls up wearing odd trainers, he blamed it on getting dressed in the dark. It is always interesting meeting the new tourer's young or old and this years volunteers were Barnesy, Becky, Billy the Bast**d and Bully.

After dumping the bags we all went straight round to John’s villa to get a few cans down and have a swim, Billy showed us an interesting sun bathing technique stripping down and covering his makers name with his shorts. On the way back to our villa’s the Rampside lads, who were now devastated that Barnsley were here started to shout abuse at some of the lads as they walked past. A slanging match then proceeded but Sav’s went down and had a word to diffuse the situation.

Green shirts for travelling in, yellow shirts for the welcome drinks at the tennis club had been decided by our tour committee.  It was absolutely fantastic to see the faces of the MCC players and committee members as we rolled up, monocles were dropping into gin and tonics at a horrific rate. We left John Morley to do all the explaining while we had a few beers, caught up with Greener and Pete Hepworth smoked most of RL’s café crèmes.

It had been a long day for the lads and silly drinking games are no way to finish it off but that’s what we did ready for the huge game against the All Stars the next day.

Saturday 18 October 

Due to MCC’s inability to organise a pi** up in a brewery, the 2008 20/20 competition was one team down, and the All Stars who were a late replacement contained only three of their own players with the rest of the eleven made up of keen Kenny and some Menorca and Rampside players. This meant that the competition was now a round robin and our first game was against the All Stars based in Eastbourne. Dave Greener was quick to point out that the last time he was in Eastbourne he was the only one there who had his own hips.

Ives undertook a Jesters type toss and we had a bat. Greg and Becky opened up and smashed a few big fours and sixes. The top six all got a hit but Greg batted through for 108 not out. We made 154 after our 20 overs. With RL injured (& taking Motters spot in the scorebox - ed) it was up to Steeley and Barnsey to open the bowling. The All Stars were never going to get these so Greg had a rest but Mathew Clayton gave them some hope when he bowled 14 wides in one over. Even Belly’s refusal to give Kenny out LBW couldn’t win them the game as they finished on 104 all out.

In the evening there was a football game on so we headed down the square for dinner. A few of the lads fancied a trip to the capital Mahon to check out the bars. Timmy, after a small disagreement with Tony Bowry volunteered to drive which was very admirable as he had drunk a fair few Magners but he said he was ok to drive and he’d have a drink when he got there. I think some of the lads got lost & went  to the wrong establishment though as they ended up in a house of ill repute. What happened was pure carnage and can’t be mentioned on a, what goes on on tour stays on tour basis. I can only say that one lad now has a credit card bill in excess of £500, one lad had three different "appointments"  and one lad had to answer to his mum and girlfriend when he got back after somebody grassed him up.

Sunday 19 October

Everyone was fresh for the 11.00am start against the Northern Nomads. Dave Clayton who so far had only changed his shirt and had not had a shower yet, woke up, walked straight to the hotel bar to get a pint and got into one of the mini buses to the ground (what a legend).   

Timmy commented that the Nomads had brought more women than cricketers with them and they may have been better letting the lasses bat for them. The opening batter for the Nomads wore yellow football socks with his cricket trousers tucked into them. When Andrew Clayton questioned the batsman about them, he replied that they were his lucky socks that he had worn whilst playing for Runcorn in a Wembley cup final. Andrew asked how he had got on in the final, “we lost” was the reply. He did smash Greg Batty for a massive six though. The Nomads made around 100, RL wasn’t sure if the score book balanced as the Nomads had sent over two beauties to do the tins and put him off, it worked too.

Ben Senior and Wilesy opened up and Wilesy found little difficulty in striking the ball around. Ben did struggle though probably because he had lost his "stash" the night before. Tony Bowry made a decent 30 odd and about the only other interesting thing that happened was that RL ran out of café crèmes.    

We had planned to have a BBQ at Johns after the game but when we arrived, there was no smell of chicken or sausages cooking. All the food had been purchased but when John went to buy the beer all the shops were shut. You would have thought that someone who has had a villa on the island since 1986 would know what time the shops open and shut. However, there was enough ale for us to have a swim and a drink for a few hours.

In the evening we all headed down to Punta Prima for a meal where Dave Clayton finally hit the wall and spewed onto the beach. He had done well though because on his first tour after a 24 hour drinking session we didn’t see him for 2 days.  RL got lumbered with Jeff again but eventually palmed him off on Belly. With the clash with Rampside the morning after, the lads were responsible for once and headed back to the villas.

Monday 20 October

Our third game was against Rampside from the depths of Cumbria, who so far had also won both of their matches, practised in the nets and talked a good game. RL got stuck in the score box with the Rampside Chairman and his mate who both knew nothing about cricket and thought they would win at a canter. RL was interested but not bothered to hear that Rampside may have changed their batting and bowling order and might even have rested a few of their players in anticipation of making the final on Thursday.

Greg and Becky opened up and inexperienced tour umpire Belly gave Greg, our best batsman out LBW. He certainly needs to go to the John Morley School of umpiring. Becky, Bully, Benny and Wilesy all chipped in to get us up to 140 after 20 overs.

Bats and Steely opened up and bowled well and so did all of the bowlers. Gaz Nuttall was on top form and after having a close LBW shout turned down, he proceeded to shout “senile old c**t out at the top of his voice as he walked back to third man”.  He was certainly fired up as next over he bowled out the same batsman and broke the stump. I think Belly was regretting not bringing him back for the Jesters match against Arthington now.  Rampside made 119-9 but the score was higher than it should have been due to Ives giving himself a bowl.   

There was little time for celebrations at the ground as it was time for another go at the BBQ. This time John had bought the beer, wine and cider. As we arrived, Bob Gaffney, John and Greener were cooking away.  This was also Timmy’s last tour function as he was getting a flight back to England later that evening for 'personal reasons'. He certainly went home with a bang (literally) but had been a great laugh. Dave Clayton was still embedded in the wall, stayed off the beer and had an early night.  I’m sure all of the lads had a good feed and had plenty to drink. There was nothing to report later on in the evening apart from a bit of micky taking on poor old Kenny, when all the classic scouser jokes came out. Andrew Clayton gave him both barrels.   

Tuesday 21 October 

Our final group game was against the hosts MCC. We had decided to treat this game as a peace keeping mission so Sav’s made his cricketing debut and we also gave Billy the Ba***rd a game. 

MCC decided to bat first and Sav’s opened up, bowling his first over ever, after his over Ives told him to drop to third man to which Sav replied “you mean on the left wing”. RL had decided to umpire rather than score in this one and much to his delight Belly came on first change at his end. They say revenge is a dish best served cold so in the back of RL’s mind was the plum LBW Belly had turned down against Otley CC last year. In his second over Belly had a close shout, “not out” was the reply from RL, the very next ball a closer shout, in fact it was so close it was exactly the same as the Otley game, “not out” again was the reply, “just missing leg fruit” came from Ives. It was missing leg but knocking off and middle over but so was mine at Otley.  Billy the Bas**rd doesn’t play a lot either and you can see why after he dropped about 7 catches. Everybody got a bowl and we let MCC get 142.

The plan was to bat sensibly and knock off the runs in the final overs. This is what we achieved but it got a bit close at one point, thankfully John Morley and Greg Batty got us over the line. MCC were gutted and really thought they were going to turn us over. Things got so bad at one point that Sav’s and Billy had to pad up. I think we did enough to please everybody though.

After the match some of the lads went down to Mahon, home to the second largest natural harbour in the world,( a fact disputed by various; including Pearl Harbour, Nova Scotia Canso Causeway, Milford Haven & Sydney - geography ed ) then on for a swim in the sea at Punta Prima. Ives got a bit carried away, went in too far and started to struggle in the current flapping his arms about. Greg jumped in and saved him from drowning. He laid him down on the beach so he could recover and Billy rushed over “I used to like you Greg” he said and walked off.

In the evening we went for a meal in Es Castell and then onto a bar called scandals that only really cater for the English, offering sky sports and a snooker table. It is a rush to get on the table and RL had no chance of getting a game which was pleasing after wandering in to see the score. The Spanish haven’t banned smoking yet and the snooker room resembled the crucible in 1983, with smoke and pints everywhere. We headed back to the square to finish off but unfortunately R Mathew was finished off. What made it worse for R Mathew was the fact that Dave Clayton had showered and shaved and was back to normal.  Dave had had enough and with RL’s help dragged him back to the Villa.

The plan was to have a good night sleep fresh for our free day on Wednesday. RL tried to settle but in the same room Belly thought he would do impressions of Zoo animals keeping me and Dave awake. Next, in came Mr and Mrs Bong Heed who told R Mathew they were off for a shag on the balcony so not to look, and of they went. After they had finished the snoring got so bad for RL that he took his mattress and bedding and put it in the living room where the two Claytons were on sofa beds. RL managed to get some shut eye but poor old Dave didn’t and wasn’t the happiest in the morning.    

Wednesday 22 October

Wednesday was our day off, free from cricket and a chance to relax. The first bus driven by Gaz Nuttall went early doors. The second bus driven by Ives set off a bit later and included RL and Belly as guests. The plan was for us all to meet up at Cala Dalgana for the traditional cheat fest which is a round of crazy golf. However, on the way to Cala Dalgana there was a torrential downpour which forced Dave Clayton to say “If you get me killed in this bus Ives, I’ll kill you” . Gary had already done a U turn halfway there.  

When we arrived it was still raining so the only thing we could do was go in the bar, play killer pool and have a go on the amusements. Andrew and Mathew Clayton found a computer and had a read of last year’s tour report (I hope they don’t wait until next year to read this one). We soon got bored of Benny taking our money and headed back to the villas.

In the evening some of the lads wanted to go and watch the football (again) so it was back to Scandals for a meal, football and snooker. With the final the next day most of the lads decided on an early night.    

Thursday 23 October

The final of the competition played on a freezing day had been billed as a clash of the giants between the Rawdon Gents CC and Rampside CC.

Just before we were about to set off to the ground Ben Senior decided to wake himself up by having a quick dip in the ice cold pool.

We arrived at the ground in freezing conditions to see the usual faces, most of them ready to cheer on Rampside hoping that we would get stuffed. Changes had to be made from Tuesday’s game against Menorca. Belly was dropped for his poor bowling and general all round performance, and the Morley’s, Sav’s and Billy the Ba***rd were dropped for being all round.

Not sure who won the toss but Rampside batted first. RL was joined in the score box by three representatives from Rampside this time and an independent tinner, how ridiculous.  Greg and Steeley opened up and bowled well, Heppy and Gaz Nuttall followed and used all their experience to pick up wickets, Ives obviously thought we didn’t have enough runs to chase so he brought himself on, however there was no high fiving and jumping in the air like at Arthington, this time he was rather expensive and went for around 8 an over. Even with his expensive spell Rampside crawled to a score of 115.    

The new opening combination of Becky and Wilesy didn’t think much to the bowling and proceeded to smash the ball all over Menorca. We did lose five wickets chasing, but that wasn’t a reflection on the quality of the bowling. It was left to R Mathew to hit the winning runs in the 11^th over. Much to the disappointment of the other teams we had won the competition again.

There wasn’t much time for celebrating as we had agreed to finish off the last of the beer and wine at John’s. While getting ready in the villa’s RL, Clayton and Belly had to proof read Ives’s speech and act as the audience as his nerves started to build. Gaz, Heppy and Dave Clayton refused to go to the dinner and stayed at John’s until the dinner was over. I do agree why they didn’t want to come, the price this year was €30 per head for the usual average meal. The tables weren’t even set correctly so RL and Wilesy had to stand waiting for extra chairs while the starters were served. Ives had planned ahead and ordered everybody lamb dishes unfortunately he had failed to tell anyone what they were eating so when the salmon alternative came out some of our party accepted it gratefully. The presentations followed the delightful dinner. The player of the tournament was surely going to be between Becky or Wilesy who had scored runs all week, Greg who had scored the only ton, Bully who had kept and bowled superbly or Gaz who had also bowled well. No, the award went to the bloke who wore his lucky socks tucked into his cricket trousers in every game, who looked like a t**t and had also hit Greg for a six. Well as long as their happy etc etc. Menorca also conveniently forgot to order the winner’s medals even though they had a year to do so. I don’t think many of the lads were that bothered though.

We were looking forward to the winner’s trophy thinking it may be a good one.  More disappointment proceeded as the trophy resembled a large ashtray. Ives did his speech and it went down well even though he reminded the menorcans that the only run outs that had happened during the week was the run outs of beer, magners, and burgers behind the bar.

After the speech it was celebrating in the square and time for a final piss take out of Kenny. 

 THE RAWDON GENTS TOUR ORGANISING COMMITTEE.

Friday 24 October

There were a few sore heads on Friday morning but not a lot of time to recover as we had a mid afternoon flight. A couple of people managed an hour by the pool but the rest of us had an extra hour in bed.

On the way to the airport RL thought he would give former Rawdon CC captain Craig Walsh a ring to organise a few early beers before the Rawdon CC presentation night, later that evening. Belly advised not to ring in case the plane was delayed but with no problems in travelling to and from Menorca in 8 years RL ignored him. The plan was to arrive in Leeds around 5.00pm get home and dressed and be out for about 6.30pm depending on traffic.

We checked in, had a bite to eat and went to watch our plane land on its inward journey. What worried us was the sight of fire engines waiting at the side of the runway as the plane landed, on investigation an airport worker informed us that this was just a drill and there were no problems. Just when we were about to board, the dreaded “delayed” appeared next to our flight on the departures screen, obviously not a drill then. What followed was a pure farce, an announcement was made informing us that the plane will be delayed and if it was delayed for longer than 90 minutes we would be able to have a free drink and a baguette. We then got

word that the plane had broken down and an expert Spanish engineer had to be flown in from Alicante. The hours went slowly and to amuse ourselves we played human ten pin bowling with Andrew Clayton volunteering to be the ball. Finally the Spanish engineer gave us the thumbs up, and after a five hour delay we were able to board. I think once we were in the air everybody had forgotten about the delay apart from RL who still had hopes of making last orders at the presentation night even though he was in a tracksuit top and shorts.

All of a sudden the pilot gave the call to “buckle up, as we are going to land”, however after ten minutes of literally going round in circles another announcement came through, that the air brakes that should have been fixed in Menorca by the Spanish engineer had failed again and he would have to attempt an emergency land in Doncaster meaning more delays. We had a rather rough landing in Doncaster and I think everybody s**t it, followed by a really long wait to get the baggage. With another wait for the coaches to pick us up, we ended up getting back to Leeds Bradford airport about 1.00am. If ever there was a bad advert for an airline, Jet2 take the awards this time.

Apart from the last day the rest of the tour was fantastic again, and hopefully we will be invited back next year without the need to disguise ourselves!

RL acts as agent of the Jesters CC and contracts strictly without personal liability